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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28844127">Maybe we are meant to be together</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_1973/pseuds/M_1973'>M_1973</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Demisexuality, F/F, F/M, First Love, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Gay, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Past Abuse, Post-Book 1: Chain of Gold, Post-Canon, Romantic Fluff, Sexual Tension, Spoilers, Spoilers for Book 1: Chain of Gold</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:35:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28844127</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_1973/pseuds/M_1973</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set shortly after the engagment party in Chain Of Gold. Alastair is avoiding Thomas but finds himself unable to stop thinking about him and is deeply hurt with how the night turned out. But what happens once Alastair is waiting for Cordelia, and Thomas shows up, hurt. </p><p>“What I mean is...” He took a deep breath “I wanted to see you again and.. and explain everything, but mostly apologize for.. for everything” He felt as if someone had sucked all the air of the room.<br/>“Then explain” said Thomas, “I want to know what made you behave the way you did, say the things you said but more important..” Thomas paused for a second then, calmly, he said “I want to know you, the real you.” He looked at Alastair with pleading eyes. “Please.” He added.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alastair Carstairs &amp; Thomas Lightwood, Alastair Carstairs/Thomas Lightwood, Ariadne Bridgestock/Anna Lightwood, Cordelia Carstairs &amp; Matthew Fairchild, Cordelia Carstairs/James Herondale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>127</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi so this is the first time I "publish" something I've written, I hope you enjoy it. This is what i hoped would happened once the boys met again.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alastair was avoiding Thomas the best he could. He knew the latter didn’t want anything to do with him ever since his sister’s engagement party when Fairchild ruined everything. He was in every right to do so, Alastair had been mean and petty and it was time to pay for his actions. This he knew, but what he could never have foreseen were his feelings towards the Lightwood boy. Something in his way of seeing him had changed over those few days they spent together in Paris, he no longer was the annoying little kid who followed Alastair everywhere, he’d grown up, there Alastair hadn’t been a bully nor someone who put on a mean façade to hide his pain and shame but himself. He wasn’t sure if his true self was any better, but at least he knew that whatever he presented was true.  <br/>Ever since then he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Thomas. That was why, when his mother announced that they were going to move to London to try and salvage their family’s reputation during his father’s trial, he’d been thrilled. He’d get the chance to be closer to Thomas and show him that the man he knew in Paris was his true self, someone who wasn’t ruled by fear. Someone who was deserving of his friendship, or maybe even something more. No, he had to stop thinking like that, there was no way someone like Thomas shared his… “lifestyle”.</p>
<p>He tried, but he still could let go completely of his mask, he needed to protect his family’s honor, or at least what little was left of it, like always, he’d sacrifice himself for the sake of his mother and sister. Cordelia, who still thought of their father as an innocent man, if only she knew the ugly truth Alastair had always tried to hide to protect her, to spare her the shame. It’d break her heart, better if she thought of her brother as the villain, someone who had forgotten about her and was too proud to acknowledge his little sister. <br/>But that had all gone to hell these past few weeks. His sister now knew the truth, their father was coming home, and worst of all, Thomas hated him. </p>
<p>Alastair was leaning against the door of the training room in the institute. Against this better judgment, he knew he shouldn’t be here, any of the Merry thieves could walk in any time -being the residence of one of their dearest members, James Herondale, his sister’s fiancé- but the thought of Thomas barging in did thrilled him in a sense, causing the hairs of his arms to chill. He didn’t know what he’d say if he saw him, he’d been trying to work up the nerve to approach him and apologise again and again until the Lightwood boy realised how sorry he was, but he knew that it was not fair. Thomas had every right to be mad at him, to hate him, what he’d done had no excuse, no matter how lonely and broken he’d felt. <br/>Just as Alastair was about to leave and forget about waiting for his sister to come back from patrolling with Lucie Herondale, her soon-to-be parabatai, someone came and opened the entrance door with great strength, causing it to make a loud creaking noise. <br/>He was suddenly faced with a sweaty, agitated and heartbreakingly handsome Thomas. Alastair’s first reaction was to lay still as a statue praying that the other boy hadn’t seen him. His jaw had almost dropped at the sight of the tall muscular man in front of him. Of course it was impossible for Alastair to go unnoticed since he was indeed standing in front of Thomas, so he tried to regain his composure and nodded to the other. </p>
<p>“Alastair…”- Thomas said. <br/>That’s when Alastair, who had been too concentrated in not making a fool of himself, noticed that Thomas had been hurt, he was bleeding from his upper arm and had a few scratches on his cheek and forehead.</p>
<p>“Thomas! Are you okay? What happened?”- As he approached the wounded shadowhunter he remembered his sister was out there too. “Was Cordelia with you? Is she okay?”.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m fine, she’s fine, everything’s fine. I just… I got jumped by some drunk on an alley on my way here from the tavern.”- Said Thomas.</p><p>Alastair had to conceal his laughter, which would not be appreciated by Thomas nor would it improve their situation. For a shadowhunter being mugged by a mere mundane was a funny and quite peculiar thing. </p><p>“Here, allow me to apply an iratze on your arm”. Said Alastair whilst nodding to the sofa nearby.</p><p>Thomas did as he was told and sat on the sofa quietly. <br/>While Alastair applied the healing tune on his arm he stood very still and kept quiet. This was due to two reasons: one, he didn’t know what to say, he’d been ignoring Alastair ever since Matthew had told him about the rumor he’d started all those years ago about his father and Consul Fairchild, a rumor that had clearly hurt Matthew more than he was willing to admit; second, he realised that he liked the look on Alastair’s face when he was concentrating. This wasn’t the first time Alastair drew a rune on Thomas, he’d done it that time at the bridge after the pyxis fiasco. That’s when he realised that something had changed in his way of seeing him, he wasn’t quite sure what was different now, but he knew it’d started in Paris. They hadn’t seen each other since the academy and they’d only spent a couple of days together but that had been enough to show him that the Alastair that the world knew wasn’t the real one but a show he put on so as not to get hurt.</p><p>As soon as Alastair was done with the rune he stood up and put some distance between the two of them. And, before he could say anything, Thomas, with a blank expression on his face said “Thank you. Although, I hope you know this changes nothing”. </p><p>Alastair was taken aback by this, of course he wasn’t foolish enough to believe a little healing rune would have solved all his problems and made Thomas forget about everything that had happened but, he had seen this as an opening, an invitation to what would be a long road to forgiveness, a little light in all the darkness that was his life right now. Clearly he’d been wrong.</p><p>Thomas wasn’t sure why he’d said that, he hadn’t wanted too what he really wanted to do was to hug Alastair and assure him that everything was gonna be okay, that he was perfect the way he was and that he was loved, by his mother, his sister, and Thomas himself. But he didn’t. Why? Instead he’d just said something mean. The look on Alastair's face as he said it made his stomach turn, clearly he hadn’t been expecting that. He wanted to say he was sorry but, was he? Wasn’t he supposed to be angry at him? Hadn’t Alastair been unfair, cruel and mean to him? But, no matter how much he wanted he couldn’t be angry at him. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I- I didn’t mean that it’s just... I should be angry at you, I want to be. For what you did to Matthew, for it was your stupid little rumor that set the self-destructive train in his life”.</p><p>He knew this wasn’t fair, that Matthews' choices had been his and, even though Alastair had played a significant role in creating the circumstances he hadn’t forced Matthew to go to the extent he’d gone. </p><p>“I’ve done maybe things to you too, Lightwood, I treated you badly at the Academy and do not forget that your own father was the other protagonist of that stupid rumor. So don’t use Fairchild as an excuse. You want to hate me? It’s fine, but do it on your own accord”.</p><p>None of them could tell the other the truth, Alastair couldn’t bring himself to show the other how much it really hurt to know that Thomas hated him, and the latter couldn't tell him the real reason he was angry at him. That it wasn’t because of all the stupid things he’d done years ago when they were younger, but for how he showed himself today, for how little he appreciated and thought of himself… and for how he made him feel. Thomas loved him and he wanted Alastair to see himself the way he did. And for him to be the man Thomas knew he could be.</p><p>As Alastair said that his eyes were shining, tears were threatening to start rolling down his cheeks. He could not start crying in front of Thomas, that would be the last drop. He might be heartbroken and alone, but at least he still had his dignity, he wasn’t about to start crying over someone who he knew could never care for him. </p><p>We’re those tears he saw in his eyes? Had he really hurt Alastair beyond any repair? Before he could try to answer this his body betrayed him and he lunged forward toward Alastair. He grabbed his collar, pushed him against the wall and then froze looking directly into Alastair’s eyes. </p><p>Thomas’ hands were on Alastair’s collar, he was staring at him, as if he was trying to see beyond his eyes, to see his soul. Alastair decided that he would not be the one to break eye contact nor was he going to shove Thomas off, if he wanted to punch him he’d let him, he could never hurt him. Not again. As he started to brace himself for the inevitable collision from Thomas' fists to his face he realised that Thomas was starting to slide his hands towards Alastair’s neck. Was he about to be strangled? Sure little Thomas wasn’t about to kill him, was he? He was too busy thinking about dying in Thomas’ hands that he failed to notice how the other’s eyes now darted towards Alastair’s lips. Before he could say anything Thomas’ mouth came crashing down to his and, just like that, they were kissing. STOP</p><p>At first, it was messy and tough, rushed but determined. Alastair was in complete shock. He wasn’t sure how to react or even if this was really happening or if his mind was playing tricks on him. Was Thomas Lightwood really kissing him? Could this moment, which he had imagined and dreamed of for a long time now, be actually happening? He stood frozen for a couple seconds but once he realized he was not imagining it he relaxed and leaned in. He wrapped his arms around Thomas’ waist and let himself rejoice in the fact that he was kissing the man he loved.<br/>Thomas’ hands were on Alastair’s neck. As soon as Alastair relaxed and started to kiss him back every worry on Thomas’ head disappeared. There was only right now, only Alastair’s lips; Alastair’s neck; Alastair’s hand, resting in his lower back. He cupped the other shadowhunter’s neck and ran his other hand through the boy’s black hair. By the Angel, he loved Alastair’s hair. Since the last he’d seen him since Paris, Alastair had dyed his hair platinum white, the sight of it was as if Thomas had been struck by a lightning, he’d looked beautiful, but Thomas’d always loved Alastair natural black hair, so smooth and dark as the deepest and darkest of nights. He thought of all this while he ran his fingers through it; something he now realized he'd been wanting to do ever since that first day at the Academy. </p><p>As Thomas’ hands began exploring Alastair’s hair, the latter started running his hand along the other’s spine, softly tracing each bone, caressing them as if they were made out of glass. He couldn’t resist the urge to touch Thomas’ skin, he needed them to be in full contact, so he started unbuttoning Thomas’ shirt, thankfully for him he wasn’t wearing a vest,which made this task far easier. Within seconds Alastair was touching Thomas’ bare chest, he ran his hand across it, down to his abdomen, stopping there to trace oddly circles below his belly button. He then went on to touch the boy’s bare back, he brushed his thumb along his shoulder blades. Alastair was at a loss for words, the smooth skin beneath his fingers was everything he’d imagined it’d be: soft but strong, tanned, full of marks that granted them with the power of the angels. He just never thought he’d be able to touch it like this. <br/>Suddenly, Thomas’ mouth proceeded to trace a line of kisses along Alastair’s jaw all the way from his chin to his ear. Once there he gently bit his earlobe, sending a rush of adrenaline to Alastair’s whole body forcing him to swallow a moan. He was warm beneath Thomas’ touch. A little gasp escaped Alastair’s lips. Causing Thomas to smile against the other’s neck, leaving a trail of kisses -and love marks- down to his collarbone. <br/>Alastair was seeing stars. He pulled Thomas closer from where his hands had found shelter, around the other boy’s waist. He didn’t want any space between them, he wanted to be as close to him as he could. As he did this he felt Thomas hard against his pelvis. </p><p>They’d been kissing for a while now, none of them making any indications of wanting to stop. There was no way Alastair would dare to break the kiss, he’d waited more than enough for this to finally happened he would not be the one to put an end to it. Even if he passed out for the lack of air, he did not care. He did wonder though, for how long had Thomas wanted to do this? As long as he had? He doubted it, but if he had, had he ever done anything to indicate it? Had Alastair been too lost in self pity and self hatred to not see it?</p><p>Thomas pulled back a little to be able to look Alastair in the eye. He wondered how long had the persian boy wanted to do this, how long had Alastair wanted this? him. But before any of them could say anything, they heard a loud bang coming from the back of the Institute, voices and several footsteps approaching. <br/>They were not presentable at all. Alastair’s hair was a black mess, as was Thomas’ shirt. Both their lips were swollen, Alastair’s eyes were kinda red and they had a certain glow in them that made Thomas melt. There was a huge smile on Alastair’s face that made him want to stand there, watching him, all day. <br/>Notwithstanding, there were people approaching and they couldn’t risk being seen. This, whatever this was, was too new and fragile to be shared just yet, so it was better to keep it to themselves. At least as long as they figured it out since Thomas’ friends did not exactly like Alastair.<br/>Before Thomas could say anything Alastair sprinted to the Institute’s big oak doors, not before softly whispering something to the other’s ear.</p><p>“Find me later tonight”. </p><p>With that, Alastair disappeared through the gates, leaving Thomas blushing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry this one's a bit shorter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As Alastair bursted out of the Institute he couldn't help but to smile. Had he really been snogging Thomas Lightwood just mere seconds ago? It felt surreal. He was ecstatic, racing through the crowded streets of London, barely avoiding mundanes who were as oblivious to him as he was to them. Gladly he had drawn a glamour rune on himself earlier on his way to the Institute. He had been wallowing, brooding over the pain it caused him not being able to even look at Thomas. How much had things changed since morning!</p><p>He came to a sudden stop. How much had things changed since morning? He and Thomas had kissed, Thomas had in fact initiated it but, What had it meant? He remembered telling Thomas to find him later tonight. Would Thomas actually do it? Would he want to? Or had what happened been a sprung of the moment, a sudden wave of heat that was now over… So many questions and feelings were flooding his mind that he almost didn't realize he had arrived home, and that he was about to crash into his mother. </p><p> </p><p>“Alastair joon, what is wrong? Why are you in such a rush? Were you not supposed to go get your sister?” Said Sona, with a concern tinge on her voice. </p><p>“Everything is fine mother, do not worry” Alastair realized he needed to come with a good excuse for why he hadn't been able to wait for Cordelia. “Cordelia simply wanted to train a while longer with Lucie. James offered to escort her home once they were done.” He lied.</p><p>“Oh! I suppose that's alright.” </p><p>Sona seemed to buy Alastair´s weak story, he hoped since his sister was only weeks from the parabatai ceremony that it made sense they wanted to spend more time together to get ready, considering the cultural impact such ceremony had amongst Shadowhunters. Whereas for James bringing his sister home, they were newly engaged and had not had much time alone since, it was reasonable for a gentleman to escort a lady home. Alastair knew Sona very much liked James, and the fact that her daughter had managed to win the heart of such a bachelor thrilled her, she hoped this would make up for all the shame Elias had brought to the family.</p><p>“What happened to your neck, son?”. Sona´s question threw Alastair off balance, he'd forgotten to fix his collar, therefore his neck was exposed, as were the love marks Thomas had left on him.  </p><p>“Oh, this? It's nothing, it's just a scratch I got from a branch on my way here.” He said.</p><p>“You should be more careful, apply an iratze please, and start paying more attention to the street my dear.” With that she continued on her way.</p><p> Alastair kept going until he was in the garden at the back of the house. Where he laid down beneath the now setting sun. He closed his eyes and welcomed sleep. He dreamt of Thomas but, differently from his usual dream, here they were holding hands, laughing and walking through a beautiful meadow.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After Alastair left Thomas quickly rearreanged his shirt, tucked it inside of his trousers and -as he was doing his best to smooth his hair- Matthew, James and Kit appeared around the corner.  They seemed to be arguing about something, clearly related to one of Kit’s projects since he was participating rather enthusiastically.</p><p>“There is no way to tell if that’s what caused it” he was saying</p><p>“What other reason can there be for your lab to combust, for the fifth time this month may I add??” as he was saying this they took notice of Thomas santind awkwardly on the corner of the room, his cheeks were still flushed, due to what Alastair had whispered before sprinting out of the Institute. “Find me later tonight”. He couldn’t help but smile as he remembered the other boy’s hands on him, his lips against his own, his-</p><p>“Hey there! Earth calling to Lightwood… You alright there mate?” Matthew’s comment snapped him back to reality, he realised he was hot as a boiling pot.</p><p>“Yes, sorry. I was just… thinking”</p><p>“With the face you were making I assume you were thinking about a lady.. or maybe some fella..?” Thomas just answered with the face he generally made when Math was being funny and moved on.</p><p>“Where were you anyway? I went looking for you at the tavern but couldn’t find you” He asked with the intention of changing the subject.</p><p>“We were at the laboratory, dear Christopher here wanted to show us one of his latest  experiments.. which clearly blew up in our faces. Thank the Angel the flames did not get my hair, otherwise this conversation would be very different” This statement got a chuckle out of his parabatai.</p><p>“Come with us Thomas” said James “We were just about to go to the tavern” And with that they were off to their headquarters. Although Thomas couldn’t get Alastair’s voice out of his head: Find me later tonight. Should he go? Had he already forgotten him for what he’d done? Deep down he knew he had but, he couldn’t help but wonder what his friends would think about this.. whatever this was, him and Alastair…. Of one thing he was certain: he would go to him tonight, and demand answers, Alastair owed him that much. He owed Matthew that much. As he decided this he realized that the only thing he wanted was to see Alastair again, and it terrified him. After all, hadn’t been him who kissed Alastair and not the other way around? Sure he’d gone along with the kiss and he had asked him to go to his house that night but.. what did that really mean? Thomas couldn’t deny it, he was head over heels for Alastair but not knowing if the other boy felt the same way, or if it was just an opportunity for a fun night that had presented itself before him and he could not deny it… <br/>He decided to stop thinking about Alastair for at least a while.. otherwise he’d go crazy. He’d like nothing more than to be able to talk to someone about this but there was no one. He couldn't tell Math nor James that was for sure, Kit wouldn’t be very helpful and he sucked at keeping secrets, he thought of his sister or his parents but they were still in Idris, and the death of his sister was still too fresh to bother them with something like this. Although he hated to admit it, the one person he really wanted to talk about was Alastair himself. So that’s what he was going to do tonight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was around midnight when Alastair convinced himself that Thomas wasn’t going to appear. How foolish he’d been, thinking that he’d want to see him again. Just as he was about to turn off his lights he heard something crack against his window. He peered outside of his window down to the garden and he saw him. A huge smile spread on both their faces as they regarded the other. In the blink of an eye Thomas was climbing towards Alastair’s room. He frantically checked to see that everything was in order before Thomas arrived. He turned around and saw him, santinding on the windowsill. </p><p>“May I come in?” Said Thomas shyly. </p><p>“Yes! Of course” Replied Alastair, trying to remain calm. He’d never had anyone inside his room except for his family, he and Charles had always met in Charles house, given that he lived alone and the fact that they’d only had stolen moments to be together. But, as he watched Thomas enter his room, he realized that his feelings for Thomas were nothing like what he’d felt for Charles, He thought he’d loved the other man, but as his heart raced now, he understood that whatever they had didn’t come near what he hoped he and Thomas could have. </p><p>Once Thomas was inside he sat on the chair next to Alastair’s desk. His palms were sweating, an agility rune and a silent rune could be seen on his forearm, they were freshly drawn.<br/>“I wasn’t sure you’d come...” </p><p>“Neither was I. Until I realized I’m not sure why I did what I did before...” That was a lie, Thomas knew perfectly well why he’d kissed Alastair, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it, not until he knew how the other boy felt. “I’m sorry about that… I don’t know if you invited me here tonight because you thought something… else might happen or to yell at me for this morning but-”</p><p>“No!” Alastair yelled as low as he could in order to not awake the rest of the house. Seeing Thomas’ confused face he added “What I mean is...” He took a deep breath “I wanted to see you again and.. and explain everything, but mostly apologize for.. for everything” He felt as if someone had sucked all the air of the room. </p><p>“Then explain” said Thomas, “I want to know what made you behave the way you did, say the things you said but more important..” Thomas paused for a second then, calmly, he said “I want to know you, the real you.” He looked at Alastair with pleading eyes. “Please.” He added.</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p> And like that, Alastair told Thomas about everything that had been going on in his life, even before the Academy. About his father´s situation and how it fell upon him to hide himself so as not to bring more shame to de Carstairs’ name, how he created that mean mask to prevent people from seeing how broken he was, how he sacrificed his childhood and happiness in order to allow his sister to have one, and not to break the image of a hero she had of their father. <br/>Once he was done Thomas stood there, staring at him in silence. Alastair was scared Thomas hated him even more now. But before he could start apologising, Thomas leaned towards him and abruptly hugged him tightly. Alastair was stunned by this, he wasn’t used to receiving this kind of affection, he hadn’t allowed himself to be this close to anyone in a long time, to show his true self and be accepted. So he broke down and started sobbing on Thomas’ shoulder.<br/>They stayed like that for a while, Alastair fell asleep wrapped on Thomas’ arms, sitting across the fireplace in his room. He placed gentle kisses on the sleeping boy’s head</p><p>Thomas was mumbling something below his breath when Alastair woke up. It was still night-time so he needn’t worry about anyone coming into his room. </p><p>“What was that?” he asked him.</p><p>“Oh nothing, just a little Persian lullaby I may or may not have memorized.” Said Thomas, blood coming to his cheeks.</p><p>“You have a beautiful voice.” Alastair shifted so he was facing him, he put his hand on Thomas’ face, lightly stroking his cheek with his thumb. He was smiling, this was the happiest he had ever been, he knew that as long as he had Thomas everything would be alright, he was all he needed. He leaned in and kissed Thomas gently on the lips. It was a sweet and careful kiss. </p><p>“I’ve been meaning to ask you something…” There was an edge to Thomas’ voice that made Alastair nervous about what he was about to ask. “You don’t have to answer if you do not want to but… That night, at the engagement party, after… After our fight, you disappeared...”</p><p>Alastair was suddenly shaking, he’d rather not recall that awful night, but he owed Thomas an answer. “After...that, I couldn’t stay there, knowing you hated me, seeing you looking at me like everyone else did, as if I was some monster-'' Tears were starting to roll down Alastair's cheeks. Thomas brought his hand to the other’s face and gently brushed the tears away with his thumb. As he did this, he felt Alastair slightly flinch beneath him. It lasted less than a fraction of a second but in it Thomas realised how deeply Alastair had been hurt in life.</p><p>“I needed to get away but I couldn’t leave, so.. I hid in our carriage until I was able to stop crying and regain my composure.”</p><p>“I- I am so sorry Alastair, I never meant to hurt you like that. If I had known how much my words had hurt you I would’ve gone after you” He lowered his hand and grabbed Alastair’s.</p><p>“It is alright love. There’s no need for apologising. I think we’ve both had enough of that” said Alastair. Light was returning to his face, to those black eyes that, if you knew how to look, provided a window into the deep of his soul. Thomas realised that he was learning how to see that. That brought back the smile to his face. He couldn’t help but to kiss Alastair again, it was as if gravity itself pulled them towards one  another. This kiss was stronger, deeper and it lasted longer. Until Alastair gently pulled away to say something. </p><p>“Now it’s my turn to ask a difficult question” said Alastair shyly. He wasn’t sure why but he needed to ask Thomas about it. “Actually, it’s a two part question...”</p><p>“Shoot” replied Thomas, a smile still on his face </p><p>“Since when have you known you liked men?” This seemed to take Thomas by surprise, so Alastair quickly added “I know it is something very personal and I’d understand completely if you rather not talk about it”.</p><p>“It’s alright,” said Thomas, blood rushing to his cheeks. God he hated how easy it was for Alastair to make him blush. “My history with love doesn’t resemble that of my friends or other people I know.. I’ve never really felt.. like this before, before you.” He was red as a cherry as he said this. “I have found men and women rather attractive but nothing more.. I never felt an urge to do something about it nor the interest to court them. Unlike Matthew”<br/>he added with a smile. “Until you”. This sent a jolt of energy towards Alastair, he felt something deep in his chest, he couldn't have put it into words, but he guessed that was how love was supposed to feel. “What’s the second part?”</p><p>“It was if you had ever been in love but I think you covered that.” said Alastair, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.</p><p>“What about you?” Asked Thomas.</p><p>“I’ve always known… ever since I was very young I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was different and that I should conceal that part of me deep down and act as if I was like everyone else, for the sake of my family. It was not until recently that i realized I was wrong” Something in Alastair’s face made Thomas get closer to him and embrace him, placing little, tender kisses on the other boy’s shoulder.</p><p>“Please, promise me you will never think like that again, never again hide yourself nor think that who you are is wrong in some way” Thomas paused for a moment and drew back to look at the black haired boy in the eyes “you are perfect just the way you are my love, do not ever forget that.” He gently cupped his face with his hand and stroked his beautiful brown skinned jawline. ”Have you ever been in love before?” Alastair seemed to make a weird face as Thomas asked him this, he should have expected this.. There was no point avoiding it, he wanted Thomas to know everything about him, he did not want any secrets between them. So he braced himself and told Thomas about Charles. On the other hand he was thrilled at the use of the word before, reflecting that, this between them was indeed love.</p><p>“Yes..well, at least I thought so. But it wasn’t really love, now I know that.” Said Alastair, his love for Thomas showing in his eyes.</p><p>“May I ask this gentleman's name?” </p><p>Alastair was quiet for a minute, as if considering whether or not to reveal the name of the man he’d thought he’d loved and had loved him back only to realize that what they had had not been love, but some kind of toxic affair. After what felt like a long time he said “Yes, it was Charles Fairchilld” He’d never spoken about Charles with anyone except Cordelia. He looked away to avoid seeing Thomas’ reaction.</p><p>Thomas was in shock to say the least. Charles Beufort Fairchild and Alastair… Matthew’s brother, the one who always undermined Matthew and treated him as if he was a problem, a dishonor, too scandalous to be associated with him.</p><p>“I never imagined Charles would like men, it seems so… scandalous of him” said Thomas trying to hide his shock with a low chuckle. “Wait, and what about his engagement with Ariadne? And now with Grace…?”</p><p>“That was one of the reasons why I ended things, Charles was so busy with his political career that he cared more about what image he portrayed to the rest of the world than about his own happiness. I refused to do such a thing. I told him I would no longer live in the shadows, I might not be as courageous as Mrs. Lightwood or Fairchild but... ” He stopped cause he wasn't sure what he’d say. But it didn’t matter, because Thomas gave him a reassuring look to show him that he understood what he meant. <br/>After that they laid on Alastair’s bed in silence for the rest of the night, Thomas holding Alastair in his arms and every now and then he’d place a lingering kiss on the other’s cheek, neck or shoulder until they were both fast asleep.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun was high on the sky and the opened window allowed a warm summer breeze into the room. Alastair woke up in Thomas’ arms, who still slept soundlessly. Alastair gently turned around to get a better look at Thomas’ face. He moved as slowly as he could so as not to wake the other boy. Clearly, since Thomas was a Shadowhunter, he had very good senses, therefore he woke up just as Alasatair faced him. He wrapped his arms a little tighter around him and gave him a very sleepy smile before opening his eyes. He met Alastair’s eyes, full with wonder, and placed a gently good-morning kiss on Alastair’s lips. <br/>Alastair deepened the kiss, brushing his tongue across Thomas’ lips, asking for access. The latter opened his mouth and Alastair’s tongue slipped in, caressing the other’s. </p><p>After a few seconds that felt like nothing and everything at the same time, Alastair, groaning, pulled slightly away, smiled and said “Good morning”. Thomas returned his smile, pulled a few strands of black hair that were loose around Alastair’s face and lazily replied “Morning love”. Without breaking eye contact, Thomas asked Alastair “Tell me what you are thinking”.</p><p>“I’m thinking about how incredibly lucky I am” he replied. “I never thought I could, someday, have this.” He lifted his arms and wrapped them around Thomas’ waist, pulling him even closer. “And, about how I could just stay here, like this, forever.”</p><p>Thomas brushed his nose against Alastair’s. “Do you want to know what I am thinking about right now?” asked Thomas with a raspy, purr-like voice. His pupils were dilated and they shone with desire as he looked at Alastair’s mouth. He nodded, “I-” Just as he was about to finish his sentence, there was a knock on the door. </p><p>They both jumped up and started to get rushly dressed. Meanwhile, Alastair asked “Who is it?”</p><p> A soft voice, which Thomas did not recognise,  said “Alastair, dear. Are you going to come down  for lunch?”</p><p>“Y-Yeah, just a minute. I’ll be there shortly mother” answered Alastair quickly. His statement was followed by a set of retreating footsteps. “I cannot believe it is already noon” he whispered, his lips twitched slightly up, marking the beginning of a smile that Thomas never wanted to see leave from the other boy’s face. </p><p>They finished dressing up and arranging their hair, Thomas tried and failed miserably to smooth his shirt from the night before, which had been tossed aside the night before towards the floor.  </p><p>“I guess  I should… go downstairs.. before my mother sends Cordelia to come looking for me” said Alastair, something like sadness could be seen in the boy’s eyes.<br/>“It’s alright” said Thomas “If you want, you could come by the Institute later today... ” seeing Alastair’s reaction to this he added “Don’t worry, they won’t be there. The have to patrol the streets until nightfall”</p><p>A bright smile spread across Alastair’s face “”I guess I’ll see you later then”. He grabbed Thomas’ face and kissed him. “Hurry up, I’ll make sure they pay no attention to the backyard” he said cheerfully and then slipped out of the room, leaving Thomas alone.</p><p>Wait. He thought. How am I supposed to get out of here now that it’s daylight, surely the neighbours aren’t that oblivious. He then remembered that, as a Shadowhunter, he had ways to go unseen. <br/>And like just like that, he drew a rune to glamour himself from the mundanes and slipped out of the window towards the garden.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once he was done climbing down the side of the house, Thomas walked the path towards the entrance of the property. There he saw that his cousin, Anna Lightwood, was approaching the front door with a handful of bags and boxes. He tried to run past her unnoticed but he was unsuccessful. She saw him right away, nothing went past his dear cousin.</p><p>“Tom?” Anna said. She was confused by the sight of her cousin, what was he doing here? Was there trouble? “What brings you here?”</p><p>“Oh, I just came to ask Cordelia for a book for my Persian classes with Lucie, but I’m afraid she’s not home” He answered, he hoped she didn’t realise he came from the backside of the house and not the front door. So he added “What are all those?” Signaling to the multiple packages Anna was carrying. </p><p> “Just some clothes for Cordelia, I happen to have a great eye for fashion not only for suits but for a more “femmenine” attire” She replied “To bad she’s not home.. I would’ve loved to see her try them on and see if I got her size right. I guess I’ll just leave them with Msr. Carstairs”</p><p>“Alright.. Um. I’ll guess I’ll see you around, Goodbye” He didn’t give her the time to ask more questions as he hurried away into the busy streets of London.</p><p>***<br/>Anna was a little confused about her short encounter with Thomas, she’d have just brushed it off were it not for what she saw once she knocked on the beautifully carved, ancient door. Alastair opened it almost instantly, with a bright grin on his face, his eyes shone expectantly, but as soon as he saw that it was Anna on the door his features returned to what could be described as the “normal bored face” he wore everyday. Anna could tell instantly she was not who he had been expecting. </p><p>They didn't exchange many words as she gave him the clothes for his sister, especially since Anna could not think about anything else but the weird coincidence of Alastair’s weird grin, which reflected such happiness that it remind her of the time she first time she went to the Hell Ruelle with Ariadne; and on the other side, running into Thomas, here in all places, he could have easily asked Cordelia to deliver whatever book he needed to the Institute in one of her many daily visits. Particularly after what had happened on the night of Jaimie’s engagement party, when she saw from afar Thomas and Math get into what seemed as a poorly disguised heated argument with Alastair. She’d have thought he’d do anything to avoid the latter… Suddenly, she remembered that they had both been in Paris around the same time, she was aware that none of the Merry Thieves, as she liked to call her brother’s friends, knew much about Thomas’ days in said city, which got her thinking.. Had they somehow met up there and decided to spend time together? Could that be why, when she glimpsed Alastair leaving the party she thought there was a shine in his eyes that could have meant tears? She thought she had imagined them but.. now it did not seem impossible. Clearly there was more to their story than what Anna knew, which is why she did not say anything, if indeed there was something more between the two of them it was none of her business. She knew more than well what it was like, to hide who you truly are out of fear.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was after the unfortunate events of the Townsends’ winter Musicale that Christopher finally managed to perfect his latest invention. </p><p>“Now, you will only need a stele in order to deliver a letter to any shadowhunter in no time, no matter where they are” Said Crhistohper enthusiastically as he prepared to demonstrate.<br/>
He took an already written letter addressed to Mathew (who was, for the sake of the experiment, waiting in the drawing room of the Institute, while the rest of the Merry Thieves, Cordelia and Lucie, were in the Laboratory) and, with a swift turn of the wrist, he drew a rune on top of the letter, which started burning instantly, forcing all of them to back away from it, until there was no trace of the paper it had once been. Everybody was staring at Christopher expectantly, he just held up his hand, indicating them to wait.</p><p>After barely less than a minute they could hear screams coming from another part of the Institute, and then loud steps approaching the Laboratory.</p><p>“Christopher you bloody genius!” Mathew screamed as he approached the room. “You really did it, you nutter” A huge smile was now on Christopher’s face. Thomas took Matthew’s screams as a sign that it had been a success. He couldn’t help but think about how this would benefit him, how it would make communicating with a certain person much, much easier. And discreet. </p><p>“Hey! Tom, where’s your mind at mate?” Thomas was too lost in his own thoughts to realise that Mathew had already arrived at the room and everybody was now congratulating Kit on his achievement. So when Math called him he flinched and refocused on his surroundings.</p><p>“Sorry. It really is amazing Kit, cheers” he said with a smile. He knew how important these projects were to Christopher, especially when they succeeded instead of combusting into flames. “You are going to have to teach us how to do it” he added.</p><p>***</p><p>It was late at night. Alastair was alone in his room, reading the last few pages of a book Cordelia had recently gifted him for his birthday. He had been reluctant to read it at first, being a romance, it wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy good romance literature but rather his particular romantic situation at the time… he had been sad and hurt for a long time with Charles, he just hadn’t wanted to admit it since he would have been forced to end their “relationship”, if only for the sake of his sanity, and, as far as Alastair knew back then, Charles was the only other person like him that he knew, and that liked him and wanted his company, even if it wasn’t like what he’d always dreamed of, at least he had someone; but,  now that he was living one of the greatest days of his life, he had to admit that it was a rather good book. He could understand the main character's passion for one-another and the deep bond they shared, which went above society's rules. 
 <br/>
Once he finished the book he shifted on his bed to face the wall on the side. He looked through the open window, through which a cold breeze came and caressed his neck and cheekbones, towards the sky. He looked at the stars and the crescent moon. It was a quiet night, no dogs were barking, it was late enough for all the carriages to be already inside some garage, too cold for people to be gathering in the streets. </p><p>He wasn’t sure how his day would go tomorrow, Thomas had left in such a hurry that they hadn’t had time to arrange their next encounter. He hoped he’d get to see him. It was foolish he knew, but he already missed the tall shadowhunter. He knew he’d never felt anything like this for anyone before, what he and Charles had had didn’t come near to it.<br/>
Leaving aside the secrecy and shame. It suddenly struck him, was Thomas ashamed of whatever it was they had going on? Had he told anyone? No.. he would’ve told Alastair if he had… wouldn’t he? 
Before a sea of doubts could swallow Alastair, he heard something.<br/>
He wasn’t sure where it was coming from, it seemed to be near his desk. As he got up to inspect he saw a small flicker of light somewhere near the origin of the sound, still unknown. Before he could get to close a small flame appeared out of nothing, Alastair jumped back, he didn’t understand where the flame came from, it started to get bigger and bigger… and then, as abrupt as it had appeared, it died out, leaving behind a piece of paper, one which Alastair was sure hadn’t been there a moment ago. He carefully went to grab it, it was a letter. He couldn’t make out its contents so far from the light, so he took his witchlight, which had been placed on top of the book he had been reading before, and brought it close to the letter. </p><p>Now he could clearly see who it was from: Thomas. </p><p>It read:<br/>
“Dear Alastair,<br/>
I hope this letter finds you well and that I did not scare you out of your wits with the flames. It is Christopher’s latest invention, Fire Message he calls them. One must simply write a letter and trace a specific rune on top of it and it immediately bursts into flames, consuming the paper and rematerializing it wherever the recipient might be. It is indeed convenient and extremely easy to use, I must add that its process of invention had its ups and downs, but the latter were indeed worth itIt is brilliant, don't you think?<br/>
Which brings me back to the reason behind this particular letter. I wanted to invite you to a training session tomorrow at the institute, it’s been brought to my attention that I need to brush up my skills with spears, which happen to be your area of expertise if I’m correct and if you want I can instruct you on the use of bolas, my newest acquisition.<br/>
Everyone else will be off patrolling until noon due to the recent demon attacks, I’m sure you are aware of the concerning situation regarding those vile creatures.<br/>
All in all, I’ll be in the training room from 9 to 12, I really hope you can come tomorrow.</p><p>Love,<br/>
T.L.”</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lucie Herondale was alone at the London Institute. The rest of her friends were either out patrolling, at the Tavern doing the Angel knows what or at the tea party at the Bridgestocks, to which she had not been invited. Not that she wanted to attend anyway. <br/>She had been writing a new installment of “The Beautiful Cordelia” to give to Daisy on the day of their parabatai ceremony, which was closer each day, since morning. She needed a well deserved rest from the ink and the smell of the parchment.<br/>She was to meet with Grace at 7 pm to discuss any developments regarding their plan to save Jesse, but she knew she’d arrive empty handed since, after reading almost every book in the Institute’s library, she had found no new information that could be somewhat useful.   </p><p>She got changed into her training clothes and headed to the training room in order to blow off some steam. She hated hiding this from Cordelia, weren’t parabatai supposed to tell each other everything? To share each other's burdens, but she didn’t want to put Cordelia at risk, she knew what they were doing was dangerous and that if something happened, if people found out… It would not be good. Cordelia had enough on her plate as it was to add something else, especially since, knowing her Daisy, she’d want to help. Lucie wasn’t sure having Cordelia and Grace working together would be the best of ideas. So she decided to keep this to herself, at least for now.. Maybe if they actually found anything worth mentioning she’d tell Cordelia. After the wedding of course. </p><p>She arrived at the training room and noticed that the door was slightly open and that there were sounds coming from inside. The sound of someone sparring took her by surprise, since everybody was meant to be out.  Maybe they had come back earlier. But why hadn’t they looked for her? Mhm.. Maybe they were aware that she was writing and knew better than to interrupt her creative process. Or maybe they just didn’t know she was at the Institute, so she decided to take advantage of the situation and surprise whoever was inside and have a laugh. <br/>She tried to silently open the door a little bit more, just enough to see who was inside. She never would’ve imagined what she saw. Inside the training room, her cousin, Thomas, was sparring with no one other than Alastair Carstairs. The first one was holding a seraph blade in each hand, while the latter had a beautiful spear and he was twirling it in his hand almost effortlessly. But what artuck Lucie the most was the fact that they didn’t seem to be fighting, they were laughing, sure they both seemed determined to beat the other, but in a playful manner. <br/>She stood there frozen, not knowing if she should make herself seen or leave. But for some reason she couldn’t leave. Lucie was a writer, she was drawn to this type of situation. Two people who were supposed to hate each other, who not so long ago had, in fact, had an altercation, were now.. hanging out? Suddenly, Alastair’s spear came in contact with the back of Thomas’ ankle, landing his backside on the floor, his seraph blade flying out of reach. At first she was afraid that she’d been wrong and that now Alastair was going to punch him but, before she could go in her cousin’s defense, Alastair held out a hand for Thomas, who had a wicked grin on his face.  He took advantage of the opportunity and drew Alastair closer to him, knocking him to the ground beneath him. <br/>Lucie’s view was not slightly obstructed, but she could see the back of Thomas’ head and a bit of Alastair’s side profile. He was pinned down beneath Thomas’ large limbs, he was indeed way taller than the other shadowhunter.<br/>Before Lucie could process what was happening, Thomas pushed Alastair’s arms above his head -still pinning him to the floor- and then lowered his head and started… kissing him? Thomas' face was now on the crook of Alastair’s neek. She could hear the soft moans escaping the black haired boy’s throat. <br/>She quickly backed away from the door, making sure not to make any sound, in fear of being discovered. She felt ashamed, she clearly wasn’t meant to have seen that. She ran off towards the kitchen, wanting to escape through the service door there. She didn’t know where she was headed. But she knew she had to get out of the Institute, to try and process what she’d just witnessed. </p><p>Once already outside she sat beneath a tree in the backyard of the Institute. The first thought to come to her mind was of something she had seen a few nights ago. That night, at James’ and Daisy’s engagement party, she’d seen Alastair run off, and she was sure she’d seen tears in his eyes. It all made sense now. The way those two talked and moved in each other’s company, how Thomas had agreed to show them his tattoo only after Alastair had asked to see it, how Alastair had offered to draw a healing rune on him on the bridge that night. And mostly, why Alastair had tried, poorly but still he had tried, to be more friendly towards her brother and his friends. She thought it had only been because he was more mature now and considered himself above petty jokes and witty remarks, but it all had been for Thomas.<br/>She wondered how long this had been going on, whatever “this” was...Thomas had seemed really hurt that night, had he already realised his feelings for Alastair then? And was that the reason behind his outburst towards the other boy?<br/>There were a lot of things to wonder, question and doubt about, but she was sure of at least four: the first, clearly those two had some kind of relationship going on, she’d seen Thomas’ face back there before he tackled Alastair, she’d seen how his eyes shone when he looked at him; second, no one else knew about this, otherwise there was no doubt she’d have heard Jessamine say something about it, or tease her about knowing a secret no one else knew, she lived for the gossip.. well, not “live'' live but…; third, she would tell no soul -living or not- about what she’d witnessed in the training room, she owed them that much and fourth, once the cat was out of the box, she’d definitely write about it. This was golden material.</p><p>***</p><p>As soon as Alastair had arrived at the Institute he had been dragged by Thomas towards the training room.  Where Thomas had pushed him against a wall and started kissing him passionately. It took Alastair by surprise but shortly after he was leaning into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Thomas’ waist.<br/>After about a minute of intense snogging, Thomas pulled back a bit to look at Alastair and half say half whisper, clearly out of breath “Hi”.</p><p>“Hello to you too.” said Alastair back. He leaned in to try and kiss him again but, before he had the chance, Thomas had pulled back and drawn a seraph blade up to his chin. A wicked smile was making its way across his face, as he looked down at Alastair, an invitation in his eyes. <br/>Alastair held up his hands, palms out and returned the smile. “Don’t you think it is a little unfair to attack while I’m unarmed?” he said teasingly.</p><p>“Oh I know you. You are never unarmed” And just as he said that, Alastair reached inside his pocket and drew one of his retractable spears, he never left the house without at least one spear and a full hand of daggers. The fact that Thomas was aware of this sent jolts of energy through his whole body. He swiftly blocked the path of Thomas’ seraph blade and positioned himself in a fighting position. </p><p>“Give me your worst” purred Thomas. And so they began fighting.</p><p>After lots of teasing, some flirting and blows that often ended up with Thomas on the floor -Thomas might be broader and stronger than Alastair, but the latter was swiffer, more agile and clearly knew his way around a spear, also, he knew how to tease Thomas to the point of making him blush, distracting him, and taking each opportunity to lunge forward- Alastair offered him a hand to stand, but Thomas was done with weapons, he knew Alastair stood no chance in hand to hand combat, so he took the dark haired boy’s hand and pulled him towards the floor. Within a few maneuvers, Thomas had him pinned on the floor under him.</p><p>One thing led to the other and they ended up snogging some more on the floor of the training room. Alastair couldn’t even form a sentence, his head was somewhere else entirely, that’s why he didn’t hear the small creaking noise the door made. Once Thomas finally softened his grip on Alastair’s wrists, he pulled his hands towards Thomas’ hair, and started trailing down towards the edge of his shirt, wanting to have some skin-to-skin contact. <br/>Thomas caught on where Alastair was leading and slowly pulled away from him and whispered in his ear “Hold that thought…”. He then stood up quickly and gracefully. Even though his hair was a mess, his lips were slightly swollen and his training shirt was all wrinkled, his face revealed nothing. He might as well have been facing the Inquisitor himself. He then proceeded to hang the seraph blade he’d held under Alastair’s chin -Alastair couldn’t help but blush over that memory- and then looked out of the room. Once his eyes returned to Alastair he could easily read what was on them. ‘The coast is clear, follow me’. <br/>Thomas winked at Alastair -who was now standing up- and guided him upstairs. </p><p>Alastair wasn’t exactly sure where they were going, but he didn’t care, all he cared about was the silent promise in the look Thomas had given him seconds ago. By the Angel, he thought, whatever awaited him once they got to wherever Thomas was guiding him, he knew it was gonna be worth it.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Devil’s Tavern was full by the time Christopher, Matthew and James arrived around noon. Before they left the Institute Thomas had told them he wanted to stay behind and train for a while, they had offered to keep him company but he insisted on wanting to be alone which, given the circumstances was understandable. Thomas had not been quite the same ever since his sister's death but James thought that it was getting better, he seemed... happier, he wasn't sure what had changed but he was happy for his cousin nonetheless.

All kinds of downworlders were drinking and chatting, some were even singing -out of tune- to some ballad about a beautiful maiden that was tricked by a fairy into giving up her beauty in exchange of the freedom of her lover. The Merry Thieves walked past the drunk werewolves, vampires and seelies and went straight upstairs to their lair. But not before signaling the bartender, a dear acquaintance of theirs, for a bottle of “your finest brandy” Matthew had said, to which Kit added "And a couple of sandwiches". <br/>
Once upstairs each of them went to their appointed sectors: Kit headed straight for his experiments, he was still trying to get firearms to work against demons, but still there was no success, no matter what he tried the runes automatically render the gun useless; James grabbed a book he had left unfinished last time by the window, pulled his glasses out of the pocket of his waistcoat and resumed his reading, and Matthew threw himself on the couch, one arm behind his head and popped open the bottle and started drinking from it.<br/>
The situation regarding Matthew and alcohol was getting harder to ignore these days. It wasn’t that James wanted to ignore it, he just didn’t know what to do about it… He wasn’t sure what the root of the problem was, he suspected that, at the beginning, it’d involved Alastair Carstairs somehow but now, his behaviour at the Academy was no excuse for Math’s “activities”, he knew his parabatai was deep inside the darkness, he just didn’t know how to pull him out if the other wouldn’t let him.</p><p>***<br/>
Cordelia arrived at Anna’s house a few minutes before the agreed time, but it was too cold to stand outside or even to go on a walk around the neighbourhood, which is why she stayed inside her carriage, alone, for a while. The day before Anna had come by the Manor with lots of clothes for Cordelia: hats, dresses, handkerchiefs, scarves and more. She was sad she hadn’t catched Anna at the moment to thank her and show her how it all fitted - of course everything had been the perfect size and colour, Anna had this way of knowing exactly which shade of green or pink would match best with her dark smooth skin and long auburn hair- so she’d decided to write to her, and use this opportunity to try Christopher’s latest invention, about having breakfast someday in the week. Anna, of course was delighted by the idea and invited her over to her flat the next day, under the condition that she wore only the things she’d given her, so she could see how beautiful she looked.<br/>
Reading Anna’s letter, Cordelia blushed. She’d never considered herself a beautiful woman, of course she was aware of her physical attributes, how her chest looked in a well fitted corset, and her toned arms, thanks to weilding a legendary sword., but still, she’d never felt beautiful. Now, Anna was a work of art indeed, she knew the latter preferred to be complimented as handsome rather than beautiful, and she was right. The word beautiful did not make justice to the elegance with which she dressed and behaved, sure she had a rather polemical way of dressing and living that made old hags rage and recoil at her sight, but that only added to her magnificence. </p><p>Some minutes later Cordelia found herself walking towards Anna’s flat, she rang the bell and was let in by another owner who was just leaving. As she went up the stairs she could hear music coming from one of Anna’s neighbours. Someone, it seemed had purchased a violin, and was trying to learn the basics. They were doing a great job. She suddenly remembered her long-lost cousin, James Carstairs, now Brother Zchariah or, how James and Lucie referred to him, uncle Jem. She always pitied the fact that her father, out of rejection of the Silent Brothers due to his particular situation, had never allowed them to get to know him at least a little. Every time one of the Herondales talked about him with that loving look on their eyes, she felt like she’d missed something. </p><p>Just as she got to Anna’s floor, the door of her apartment swung open. Cordelia was received by a rather under-dressed Anna, which was uncommon. She was wearing a white under shirt, dark wrinkled dress-pants and a robe hung open from one of her shoulders. It looked as if she had been asleep.</p><p>“Hello Daisy. I’m glad you could come”</p><p>“The pleasure’s mine, as you can see I came dressed as instructed, again thank you for everything, it’s all beautiful” said Cordelia politely. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything..” she added.</p><p>“Oh, not at all. Do not worry. Do come in, I’ll put the kettle on the stove”. And so Cordelia entered the small but dashing apartment. She’d been there many times but every time she came back it seemed as if another piece of furniture had changed, or maybe the wallpaper. She knew Anna got many gifts from her past conquest in hopes of winning over her heart. Cordelia felt a bit of pity towards those young mundane girls, if only they knew someone had already stolen Mrs. Lightwood’s heart. What Cordelia did not know was whether Anna was also the owner of that woman’s heart, it seemed impossible for someone not to be mesmerized by Anna’s charm and looks, but the heart works in mysterious ways, one did not always loved those who loved us, and the owners of our own hearts did not always wanted to give us theirs. </p><p>After an hour or two of drinking tea and chatting, during which, gladly, Anna stayed away from the topic of Cordelia’s and James’ wedding, someone knocked on the door. “Are you expecting someone?” Cordelia asked. Anna shook her head, a confused look on her face that mirrored Cordelia’s.<br/>
Anna went to open the door, a dagger somehow already in her hand. But once she opened it she was frozen in place. Of all people, she had not expected Ariadne Bridgestock to be outside of her apartment. </p><p>“I’m sorry to burst in unannounced, I was hoping we could chat…?” Anna seemed to be at a loss of words, which is why Cordelia stood up and said “Oh hello Ariadne, do not worry I was just about to leave anyway, I should go find Lucie, I haven’t seen her all day” She then turned to Anna and added “It’s been a pleasure seeing you, I hope we can do this again soon” She then grabbed her coat, said her goodbyes and headed towards the door.</p><p>***<br/>
“What are you doing here?” Was the first thing Anna could say as she heard the click of the closing door. She’d have never expected Ariadne to show up at her flat. How did she even know where it was? Anna had certainly never told her.</p><p>“I wanted to talk to you. And since you’ve made sure to avoid me since Mr. Herondale’s engagement party I’ve taken it upon myself to corner you alone and force you to listen. Because maybe you are not interested in talking but I do. I meant what I said that night.” Ariadne paused and took a breath, she was closer to Anna now, which made the latter take a step back, and perch herself on a nearby shelf “I know I broke your heart, and I am truly sorry, for I was naive and afraid. I did put my duty as the Inquisitor’s daughter before my heart. I knew I’d never be happy with Charles, for he did not love either, but I just couldn’t let myself be happy, it felt wrong. And I’m sorry for that, sorry for not putting your own feelings into consideration, for starting something with when I was already promised to another man. But most of it I’m sorry for myself, for damming myself to an unhappy life. Sure, someday I might've had children but I’d always feel like there was something missing. My heart would always ache, longing for something else. That something being you.” </p><p>Anna was at a loss of words. Ariadne had poured out her heart for her but was it enough? Was it enough to compensate for breaking her heart? The day she found out about Ariadne and Charles engagement, something inside Anna broke, not only at the sight of losing the person to whom she knew her heart belonged, the first person that had truly seen her as she was and wanted her, but…  Seeing Ariadne sacrifice her own happiness for society's standards showed her that she could never have what she wanted, to be fully happy. Of course she’d taken on many lovers the following months, none of those girls were nothing more than a little distraction, she knew they would never leave their lives behind for her; she’d changed her appearance to fit the person she was inside, sure that had changed things, she’d felt free for the first time in her life; but none of that had filled the void she felt inside when she looked at her parents or her uncles, how they were so deeply in love and did not have to hide it. She’d thought about this that day she bumped into Thomas at the Carstairs house, for she knew he was not there looking for Cordelia as soon as she saw how Alastair’s eyes shone when he opened the door. She was happy for them, but at the same time she felt sorry for what they’d have to endure, she just hoped they would go through it together. </p><p>So when Ariadne said “I want you Anna Lightwood and no-one else” she couldn’t help but feel butterflies in her stomach. She wanted Ariadne too, that she knew, but still she couldn’t bring herself to open her heart like that again, to risk it being shattered into pieces once again, she knew she’d not be able to put it back together again. So, with sadness in her eyes, she simply said “I can’t.” And headed for her bedroom, hoping Ariadne would take the message and leave. Once she was alone in her room she let herself cry.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: slightly explicit sex scenes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas wasn’t exactly sure where he was headed, he knew the Institute had many spare rooms, reserved and ready to welcome any Shadowhunterin need. He only knew that, as soon as Alastair had started to lift his shirt, he’d lost all his senses, he needed to get closer to him, to feel his soft dark skin against his calloused warrior hands. So he’d gather any strain of self control he had and pulled apart from Alastair, only to guide him to one of said empty rooms to finish what they’d started the other day. Thomas wasn’t quite sure how far they’d have gone that they had they not been interrupted. He didn’t know if Alastair wanted to do more than kissing nor if he had ever done more than that with Charles or anyone, he only knew that it scared him, but in a good way.<br/>
Thomas had never even kissed anyone before Alastair, let alone a man, so he didn’t really know what he was supposed to do if things went farther. What he did know was that he felt safe around Alastair, and that he wouldn’t judge him or laugh at his lack of experience, he also knew he wanted to see every inch of Alastair, to find out what the rest of his body tasted like and to have Alastair’s hands all over his body.<br/>
By the Angel, the way he’d touched his spine the other day at the Institute, during their first kiss. He remembered feeling what his soft touches had done to him and he knew Alastair had noticed it too, which had only made him press harder against Thomas, sending his head spinning.  </p><p>Once he found the farthest room in the Institute, which was sure to be empty, he dragged Alastair inside and quickly shut the door. He then pushed him towards it, his back hitting the door while Thomas resumed kissing him.<br/>
He was kissing his mouth hard, sucking on his bottom lip. He then proceeded to kiss the other shadowhunter’s jaw -lifting it with the tip of his index finger-,  each corner of his mouth, behind his ear and then his neck, slightly sucking in various spots, leaving them red and wet.  He kissed Alastair’s Adam’s apple and felt his throat throb as he swallowed a moan.<br/>
Thomas reached his back pocket for his stele, and drew a silencing rune on the door, above Alastair’s head, and then a locking one next to the door’s handle. “Just in case..” he breathed in Alastair’s ear “and so we can be as loud as we want” he said, a deadly smirk surfacing in his face. </p><p>Alastair was in a cloud of ecstasy, he could feel Thomas’ mouth and teeth circling around his neck, his clavicule. He was starting to feel a significant pressure against his lower belly, which only made him harder. He suddenly realised where this was going and gently laid a hand atop Tom’s chest, to push him back enough to look into his eyes.<br/>
The look Thomas gave him said enough, the lust in his eyes was undeniable, still, Alastair wanted to make sure he was ready for it, that he wanted to do this with him, especially since he got the feeling it would be Thomas’ first time.<br/>
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked while catching up his breath. Suddenly, Thomas’ face changed, he looked down towards his feet and started scratching his head with his right hand, which had, until now, been holding Alastair’s face close to his. At the realization that Thomas might have misunderstood Alastair, thinking that he didn’t want to, he added “I know I do, but I don’t want to rush you to do anything you are not ready for. I have no problem waiting. I’d wait any amount of time for you Thomas and if you never wanted to.. take this step, it’d be okay, I’d be happy just by being able to hold your hand.” At this, Thomas met his eyes once again, he had a silver glow in them, tears, Alastair realised. He lifted his hand in order to wipe them gently. “Whatever you want Thomas, it’s yours. My heart it’s yours.” Thomas kissed his hand.</p><p>“I want this.” He said “I wasn’t sure at first since.. well I’ve never done any of this before, but I know I want to do it with you. I was a bit afraid too, still am” He was still looking into Alastair’s eyes, he found nothing but love there, but maybe a bit of concern, he wanted to be sure he wasn’t going to regret it, Thomas realised, so he said “I want to do this, I must admit I was a bit concern that I might be no good at it... I’m sure you’ve done it before, and I want you to enjoy it, not to feel as if you are teaching me some-” Before he could finish, Alastair put a finger to his mouth to shut him up.<br/>
“Stop that” he was smiling. “I do not care whether you’ve done this before, I just wanted to make sure you wanted to do it. And clearly you do so... ” It was his turn to put on a wicked smile. “Also, I do not mind in the slightest to guide you through it” he purred into Thomas’ ear. The latter had closed his eyes and tilted his head back in order to allow Alastair better access to his neck.</p><p>“May I?” said Alastair, grabbing the collar of Thomas’ shirt, toying with the buttons. He nodded, so Alastair began unbuttoning the fine linen shirt, with each button he undid, he left a lingering kiss on Thomas’ chest.<br/>
Once the shirt was off, Alastair pushed him towards the bed. He fell on top of Thomas, the latter’s hands were now frantically trying to get rid of Alastair’s vest and shirt, never breaking the kiss.<br/>
They were now pressed against each other, skin to skin, heat between them. Thomas was tracing the scars on Alastair’s back, all the way from his shoulders to his lower-back. One hand went up to grab the back of his head, and pull him closer, if that was even possible. The other was now caressing Alastair’s waist, just above his belt, forming a silent request. Alastair took notice of this, he grabbed Thomas’ hand and said “Slow down dear, there’s no rush” smirking while he nipped at his earlobe. That seemed to only arouse the hazeled eye shadowhunter even further -who was now kicking off his shoes- Alastair followed suit.  </p><p>Alastair tried to reach the curtains from the window besides the bed so as to dim the light that was pouring into the room -it must have been around one in the afternoon- the strength he used to pull them send him falling from the bed, and dragging Thomas with him.<br/>
They both ended up on the floor, Thomas on top of him, before he could ask him if he’d hit his head or something, the dark haired man was laughing, but refusing to let go of Thomas neck. He didn’t seem in any pain, so Thomas just kept going. </p><p>The urge to try something came to Thomas’ mind, so he gently got hold of both of Alastair’s wrists with one hand and pinned them over his head, against the floor. He then leaned back in order to look at Alastair’s face. That wicked grin he loved so much was there, waiting for him, his dark eyes shining with lust, pupils fully dilated. Thomas bit his lip as he began grinding his body towards Alastair’s, as he did, a soft moan escaped Alastair’s throat, the sound made Thomas speed up the pace. He saw Alastair close his eyes and give himself over to pleasure. </p><p>Alastair couldn’t hold himself together any longer, he needed to feel Thomas, no clothes in between. So he opened his eyes to find that Thomas’ were closed. He took advantage of this and, as the skilled shadowhunter he was, freed his wrists from Thomas’ grasp, grabbed him by the shoulders while he hooked his legs into the latter’s and, in a swift motion, rolled Thomas in order to be back on top of him. A slight yelp escaped Thomas’ mouth as he landed on his back. His face flustered and amazed.<br/>
Alastair traced his finder all the way from Thomas chin, through his exposed throat, his chest -which made Thomas arch upwards- until he reached the belt. He then looked at the shadowhunter beneath him and asked “May I?” once again. Thomas, merely nodded yes, but Alastair wanted a real answer -not only because he wanted to be sure Thomas was a hundred percent comfortable with this, but also because he wanted to hear Thomas plead for his touch- so he said “I’m going to need something better than that, love” softly. </p><p>“Y-Yes... please Alastair... Yes” he said in between breaths. </p><p>With that, Alastair quickly unbuckled Thomas’ belt, tossed it aside and began, slowly -to damn slowly in Thomas opinion- to lower the zipper. He then removed Thomas’ pants fully, leaving him in only his underpants. Once he removed those too, Alastair felt his head explode, taking in the sight of Thomas’ naked body. He wanted to make sure Thomas really enjoyed it, so slowly, while maintaining eye contact with a flushed Thomas, he grabbed his hips and slightly lifted them as he lowered his mouth. </p><p>Thomas couldn’t think, he could hardly even breathe as he realised what Alastair was doing, he almost instinctively placed his hands on Alastair’s hair, pulling slightly at it while pushing him towards himself. That goddamn sharp tongue of his did indeed do more than throw insults.  </p><p>Once Alastair was done he let go of Thomas’ hips and went on to caress his chest while kissing his hip bones.</p><p>Thomas’ voice came out raspy as he looked down and said “I don’t think it’s fair that i’m the only one displayed like this don’t you think?” said Thomas, panting but still managing to put on a smirk. So Alastair undid his belt, and took off every last bit of clothing he still had. Thomas dared a peek towards Alastair’s body, he could feel his cheeks heating, and Alastair hardening against his exposed pelvis.<br/>
Alastair was leaving kisses and love marks all around Thomas’ neck and jawline as he guided his hand lower, and positioned himself between Thomas’ thighs.<br/>
By the Angel, thought Thomas. This was really happening. He realised he was no longer afraid, as long as he had Alastair with him he had no reason to fear anything.</p>
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